The Clueless Gardener's Glossary of Terms

Bird House: A quaint, often elaborate structure designed to add fiber to the diet of squirrels.

Bog Garden: The result of going on vacation without turning off the sprinkler.

Bulb: Potential flower buried in fall, never to be seen again.

Double Digging: An evil concept whereby you dig a large area with a shovel, and when you are finished you do it again.

Garden Catalog: A well-illustrated work of fiction.

Grass: A plant found in flower gardens that needs little or no care.

Hoe: A garden tool calibrated so precisely that when stepped upon its handle rises swiftly up to mouth level, causing the gardener to say "Hoeeee!"

Hoeing: A manual method of severing roots from stems of newly planted flowers and vegetables.

Perennial: A plant that would have come back year after year if it had survived.

Pop-Up Sprinkler Head: A sprinkler head that retracts below ground level when it is not operating. Pop-up sprinklers which stick in the raised position are known as "lawn mower food".

Seed Packet: An expensive envelope with a pretty picture containing 99.9% air.

Wildflowers: Invasive weeds with sexy names.